Tue, 17 Aug 2010

CHANGE
Stepped on scale and I am 250lbs. That is how heavy I was when full term pregnant with Paige.
I am beginning to want to change.
I know I can loose weight with WW, but what do I do once I've lost it? Do I track points my WHOLE life??
I am going to make a change. Just need a plan and a time frame.
I am 75% ready in my mind. I don't want to work hard, but I see the scale climbing. If not now when? What's the cutoff? 300lbs?
I don't care what I look like, I'm not frustrated. I want to be healthier. I don't want to have hip pain at 33 years old.
What's next, a hip replacement at 50? That's not right. How can I enjoy my golden years with my true love Darren?

FEELINGS
I am going to talk to my doctor, get some referrals for counselling. I think I pretend to be "cool" with "things" to try and convince myself I am, but I think I need to work things out, really deal with them. That is what I'm hoping anyway.
Deeper feelings about my father, mother, sister, brother....all the relationships I feel burdened by. How that affects me. How I convince myself I'm okay...maybe I'm not?
I feel fine about things, but if I sit and evaluate I just cry. That tells me I haven't come to terms with so many things, I just avoid them and have adapted myself to forget, to cope.
I feel selfish, I have a great life. I don't feel worthy of investigating and dealing with my emotions. I feel selfish for considering it when everyone has worse problems than me.

Man...getting this out FEELS good.

Going to ponder my plan for a healthier me. That is where I'm at. Physically AND Mentally.
For ME.

TEMPLE
I think I am at the point I want to do what I can to start treating my body like a temple. I want it to be around for a very long time.
I want to do what makes me happy and healthy. I was convinced that chips and McD's made me happy. I evaluated yesterday and realized that I am addicted to food. I really have to switch (somehow) to looking at it as fuel for my temple.

I AM a goddess
I AM beautiful
I AM worth living, and loving my life.

Down 1.5 lbs this week!!!

I have had a decent week - I could have done more, but I am getting there. This is a slow and steady change to my life, and I am doing things slowly. I am being very cautious to not over commit - as I know historically I will just bail and quit everything if I get overwhelmed.

I added the promise of two 30 minute workouts this week. One night I did my Wii fit - Active, and yesterday I took the kids tobogganing. I am going to continue with that promise this week, as I don't feel ready to add more yet.

I also have been rewarding myself with a diet pop only once a day if I drink all my water. I have been drinking TWO huge glasses of water. I bought some Organic lemon juice, and have been zesting up my water with that. It helps a little too not get "bored" of the same old tap water.

I also continue to track my calories online at www.fitday.com

Craving!!

I am craving munchies sooooo badly! I am watching TV and all I can think of is eating something mindlessly while I stare at the TV!

I am drinking my water....everytime I want to eat, I gulp a BIG gulp of water.
I am blogging instead of munching........

Down 1.3 lbs this week!

I had a very challenging week...I got my period, which always spells out POOR SELF CONTROL for me. I just can't resist junk food - and I crave chocolate and salty snacks. I can't stop until I find something to eat! I am working on re-programming my self-talk, this is a slow process!

On Thursday this week I found two gigantic boxes of candy in my front hall closet - from Halloween. I was doing a big closet clean up (which is still not done by the way!!), and found two boxes that hubby had bought for Halloween. Be both had bought candy for Halloween, so we had WAY too much. ANYWAY....you can guess what happened to those boxes...I opened them on Friday and have been munching ever since! I should have thrown them out, but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't see all that chocolate "go to waste". But really, why not. Who cares??? I am going to have husband take it to work with him. I can't have it here. It sets up too much of a temptation for me.

Oh - and we are going to buy a treadmill and a crosstrainer in the next couple of weeks! I can't wait.

Tonight I change my life

Something life altering happened tonight. I put the kids to bed, and went to the pantry and found a snack to much on. I chose Skittles. I sad down on the couch and started channel flipping. I stopped on "The Biggest Loser". I've never seen this show before, but something told me to stop and watch.

I sat and watched this show...and cried. Cried and cried and cried because I knew. I knew I was watching my past, my present...and my future! My future if I don't make a change.

I am done.
I am done overeating.
I am done turning to food for comfort.
I am done being so lazy.
I am done blaming others for my bad food choices.
I am done coasting through life being the fat friend.
I am done taking my anger out on my loved ones.

I put the Skittles down...and felt so sick to my stomach, that I almost barfed them up. How can I put that junk in my body???

This is for Lareina

Lareina gave me a much needed kick in the pants yesterday - yes, I fallen off the wagon. Hard and fast. We left for Mexico early December and everything I had been working so hard for went right out the window.

Then there was Christmas and New Years - a historical deal breaker for me nutritionally. And here we are January 11th, and I'm still overeating and not exercising.

I've pick up Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution - and I am reading the book now. It has soooo many theories and ideas that I have never thought before. I really feel like I am connecting with this book and it's "7 keys". I am excited at the prospect of changing my whole attitude towards food and eating. More importantly, this book focuses on "getting real" with why you have problems with being healthy. It also gears towards permanant lifestyle changes, and NOT just going on a DIET. This really appeals to me.

I am still doing a weekly weigh in. I promise to do a weekly blog update too. I need to be accountible to myself for commiting to this.

Thank you Lareina. You have no idea how badly I needed this kick in the bum!!

No Picture!

Can you believe it? We were actually really excited to leave the kids and go eat - alone - that I totally forgot to take a picture. ROFL Guess we'll have to do that today.